It’s no secret that money remains a leading cause of relationship discord and divorce. Money can feel shameful, stigmatized, even taboo. If you don’t know how to talk money with your partner constructively (or at all), you’re certainly not alone.
But the extent of the problem may surprise you.
Nationwide, nearly 66% of couples feel they’re “financially incompatible,” with differing views on spending, saving, and investing. Anywhere from 1/3 to 1/2 of all couples report fighting about money at least occasionally.
And most shocking – to me, anyway – is that roughly 40% of cohabiting adults don’t even know how much their partner makes.
Unsurprisingly, this lack of transparency and compatibility results in conflict. But with a few open conversations, you can sidestep unnecessary problems in your relationship.
Why do you need to talk about money with your partner?
Financial openness and compatibility play a massive role in your relationship’s success.
Couples who have debt, don’t share financial priorities, or commit financial infidelity are far more likely to fight. These fights also tend to be worse and have poorer outcomes than other common couples’ squabbles.
And though exact numbers differ, up to 70% of divorced couples cite money as a primary factor in splitting.
Of course, this doesn't mean you should avoid everyone with student loan debt or a lower net worth. But if you don’t talk money before marriage, you may find too late that your values, goals, and growth don’t align.
How to talk money with your partner early on
Your early money conversations set the stage for your lives together, financial and otherwise. Not every couple reveals their intimate financial details at the same pace, and that’s okay! What’s not okay is avoiding the conversation altogether.
Here’s where to start.
Start talking about money early
Assessing potential partners’ financial attitudes serves as a valuable “litmus test” for your long-term compatibility. So though you may feel tempted to shy away from early money talks, don’t!
These early talks don’t have to be heavy. You can feel out your partner’s general habits and attitudes by discussing:
- Date night budgets
- Spending limits for vacations or romantic weekends
- Who’s expected to pay and when
- Long-term career and retirement goals
Kickstarting these conversations now lowers the intensity and awkwardness later. Nothing like building a healthy foundation!
Know your dealbreakers
Everyone has their own financial no-nos.
Maybe you’re willing to overlook student loan debt, but credit card debt is out.
Perhaps you have a limit on how much (or little) you’re willing to save, spend on travel or hobbies, and contribute to retirement.
Or you set a hard line against gambling or subsidizing poorer or wayward friends and family.
Maybe you’re just plain unwilling to “date up” or “date down” financially to avoid feeling burdened or powerless.
Whatever they are, commit to your limits – and, if necessary, say goodbye.
Be honest
I’ve said it before, and it’s still true: Your honeymoon is not the time to discover your partner’s massive credit card debt.
Being honest and upfront about your financial values, priorities, and circumstances contributes hugely to building and keeping a healthy relationship.
If you can’t be honest about your money, it’s time to reconsider your relationship – and your financial situation.
Take turns listening
Financial conversations should take place on a two-way street. You each have your wants, needs, and goals, and you both want to be heard.
Take turns expressed your points of view, sharing information, and asking thoughtful questions. If you struggle with talking past your partner, try replacing accusatory “you” statements with emotive “I statements.”
Talk values, not just numbers
Often, financial conflicts arise from disagreements about what partners value and prioritize. You can avoid future problems by laying down your foundational values early. Talk about what you want to spend on, save for, and finance to buy, like:
- Hobbies
- Travel
- Current or future family-related expenses
- Experiences vs. material purchases
- Large expenses like vehicles and houses
Get naked (financially)
You shouldn’t intertwine financial futures without knowing the other person’s situation. Eventually, you’ll have to bite the bullet and get nitty-gritty.
Set a “money date” a few months into your relationship to share your general incomes, debts, and expenses. When you’re ready, you can move on to sharing your net worth (property values, investment portfolios, etc.) You may feel awkward initially – but after the second or third date, these feelings will pass.
(In rare cases, like high-net-worth relationships, getting financially naked may matter less for your financial security. Still, it’s good to know ballpark numbers.)
Discuss future earnings
The life you build together may start now, but many decisions – like buying a house or retiring early – depend on your future earnings. Take time to explore each other’s career goals and future earning power alongside your current bank statements.
How to talk money with your partner constructively
Whether you’re together 5 months or 50 years, constructive outcomes depend on how well you listen and grow together. For those determined to make it long-term, here’s how to talk money with your partner with success in mind.
Keep calm or don’t carry on
It’s inevitable: eventually, every partner has a reason to fight about money.
Financial infidelity. Bills piling up. A pay cut or lost job. Maybe one of you just makes a dumb financial decision you immediately regret.
(When I was 16, I was conned into wasting $160 on a $40 beauty kit by an aggressive kiosk salesman. At Christmas. That stung.)
When these reasons come around, you might feel justifiably angry. But talking about an already-delicate topic when you’re ticked gets you nowhere fast.
The alternative: Be proactive in addressing your financial needs. Schedule discussions ahead of time. Don’t engage when you’re already heated, and step away to cool down as needed.
Anything that promotes honest, intentional, level-headed discussions will massively help in preventing and solving problems – together.
Play to your respective strengths
Everyone has financial strengths and weaknesses. For example, I’m great at budgeting and couponing, but I’m a sucker for bulk sales on non-perishable goods. If I don’t watch myself, my budget will fly right out the window.
So, when you’re navigating your finances, play to each of your strengths.
Savvy shoppers should shop; number-crunchers should crunch; obsessive organizers should pay the bills – you get the picture.
Use your respective skills to whip your finances into shape and facilitate smoooooth conversations.
Don’t get stuck in the past
On a similar note:
When a partner carries financial baggage, it’s easy to get stuck on the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” train. And sure, past mistakes can be prudent reminders of what not to do.
But don’t let past mistakes that have stayed in the past dictate the mood of your conversations. Your partner knows they’re still paying off that credit card debt from three years ago. But if they haven’t financed a purchase since, that’s great progress!
As long as you forge better financial habits together, then hammering on the past just keeps you there.
Agree to disagree occasionally
You and your partner aren’t the same person, so you’ll probably view money differently. Even when you agree overall, you may differ on particulars like date night budget, small financing decisions, or going on vacations.
And that’s okay!
As long as you don’t smash headlong into dealbreakers or crushing debt, small disagreements aren’t the end of the world.
Don’t “one and done” money talks
Early on, it’s smart to spread out your money talks as you learn about each other’s goals, habits, and mindset. As you get to know each other, don’t let that habit die!
Instead, make money talks a consistent presence in your relationship, whether that’s weekly 15-minute check-ins or regular “money dates.” Use these moments to get up to speed about your earnings, expenses, savings, inheritances, and future plans.
And of course, remember to celebrate your wins together. You’ve earned them!
Be willing to learn and grow together
Everyone brings their own financial upbringing, baggage, and strengths to their relationships. Yes, that includes you.
If you want to build positive money habits with your partner, the key is consistent, constructive conversation. Validate your partner’s experiences and goals, recognize what you don’t know, and be willing to listen to and learn from each other.
At the end of the day, your finances can help you afford comfort and happiness…or drive you apart.
Keywords:
- Talk about money / talking about money
- Talk about money with your partner
- Talking about money with your partner