Money problems remain a leading cause of divorce in America. And yet, too many couples neglect to have the “tough talks” before tying the knot. If you don’t talk about money, you can’t know if you share the same goals, values, or ability to compromise.
And you don’t have to have all the big money talks at once. Sprinkling them throughout your relationship eases the stress and allows you to watch your partner’s spending, saving, and decision-making in action.
Here are 6 times to discuss finances with your partner.
1. Early on
You shouldn’t grill your first dates about their income and spending habits. However, you should have light discussions about small things – splitting the tab, budgets for your third date, etc. Prospective partners who get pushy, angry, or clam up are throwing off massive red flags. Look for calm, honest discussions, even if you have different perspectives on the small stuff.
2. When you start getting serious
When you move beyond butterflies into the “Can you pick up my dry cleaning?” stage – say, around 6-12 months – it’s time to discuss finances more seriously. Ask (and answer) pointed questions about:
- Your partner’s spending and saving
- Their “fun money” budget
- Existing or potential debts
- Which financial traits they consider valuable and compatible
And don’t just stick on the nitty-gritty; ask about their goals and future, too. Do they hope to buy a house? Retire early? Who’s going to pay for your next couples’ vacation? If family is in the cards, who would work, stay home, or pay for daycare?
At this point, generalizations are still fine – “Oh, I make mid-five figures and match my 401(k) every year.” But refusing to address the issue is not.
3. Before combining finances
By this time, you’re past the point of messing around. Now’s the time to be fully honest – bring on the nitty-gritty! – about exactly what each of you makes and where it goes. (Yes, that includes any debts you may or may not be embarrassed about.)
This holds true whether you’re opening joint accounts or merely budgeting and splitting bills together. Crucially, decide who pays how much for which bills, whether it’s 50-50, dollar-based, or percentage-based, before joining forces.
4. Before making major purchases
Preparing to sign a mortgage or car loan is the wrong time to learn about your partner’s 300 credit score or secret gambling problem. Don’t even think about sinking thousands into a project, experience, or purchase without ironing out your financial footing.
5. If you need to borrow money from or rely on your partner
Losing your job, racking up medical bills, and having kids all require you to talk about money with your partner. (Preferably before these events happen, but if you're in the thick of it, there's no time like the present!) Anytime one partner shoulders the financial burden, it’s important to ensure the dependent partner doesn’t feel guilty or trapped.
For loans, discuss clear terms of repayment. (And for gifts, be sure you’re willing to part with the cash permanently!)
If one partner stays home with the kids, discuss an equitable budget and chore split that avoids even the illusion of financial abuse and control.
It’s one thing to budget during tight times. It’s another if the earning partner feels it’s “their” money, not “our” money.
And yes: staying home with the children is a valuable, full-time position.
6. Before marriage
Perhaps the most important time to talk about money is before you marry.
Even if you’ve already combined finances, marriage introduces a legal element that you can’t just waive after a nasty divorce. It’s your last chance to be honest about any hidden earnings, debts, or dreams.
And, no matter your net worth, it’s wise to consider a prenuptial agreement.
Don’t consider it a bad omen of impending divorce. Instead, recognize what it is: insurance. You hope to never, ever need it – but it’s nice to have if you do.